if you like me you must not know who I am
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
