I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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