I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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