they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
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