is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I woke up under a house in Key West
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