So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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