I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
