I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
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So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
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He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
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