I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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