Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
