I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
