Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
