the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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