I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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