i used baking grease as lip gloss
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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