Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
