It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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