guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
