I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
