I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
