i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
