Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He passed out mid-signature
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
