Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
