Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
