but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
We need to rekindle our bromance
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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