maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
