So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
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I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
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Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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