I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
