I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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