So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
They have beer where we have blood.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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