Where is the hickey?
I want to walk on stilts...naked
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
