How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
