Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
