I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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