Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
