I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
