I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
