I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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