I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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