apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
