Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
