I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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