You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
