ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
