I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
