saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
