just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
