i'm signing you up for texting rehab
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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