Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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