i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize