that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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