If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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