it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
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I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I just want nice things and good sex
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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