I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
